A Few Words for the President-Elect

Recently, the New York Times compiled all of Donald Trump’s insults into a two page spread in their newspaper.

He insults over 282 people. (You can read all about it here:
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/01/28/upshot/donald-trump-twitter-insults.html?_r=0 )

Below, I’ve insulted Donald Trump 282 times.

“Donald Trump, you look like…”

1. Like a microwaved GI Joe.

2. Like a Celtic forest spirit that steals potatoes and bread from Christian homes.

3. Like a paper mache Nazi.

4. Like a thumb in a bad wig.

5. Like a pickled professional wrestler.

6. Like an anthropomorphic penis trying to disguise itself as a business man.

7. Like a hundred dollar bill someone rolled up to snort stale pound cake.

8. Like an illustration from a children’s book about the moral dangers of shoplifting.

9. Like a spun sugar sculpture of a plantation owner that was left out in the rain.

10. Like a gas station corn muffin that’s waiting for paternity test results.

11. Like bowel cancer’s overworked and underpaid public defender.

12. Like a bird Pokémon halfway through evolving.

13. Like a used condom come to life through magic.

14. Like a spilled tapioca pudding you wiped up with a doily.

15. Like a paper lantern designed to scare away the ghosts of union civil war soldiers.

16. Like the side of Stone Mountain under direct sunlight.

17. Like an origami crane you spilled a pumpkin spice latte on.

18. Like a plate of mac and cheese labelled “Whites Only.”

19. Like a tased barn owl.

20. Like a turkey applying for a low interest loan.

21. Like that one part of your elbow you can’t see without a mirror.

22. Like an underbaked ginger cupcake.

23. Like a row of toe knuckles with teeth.

24. Like a “white privilege” scented Yankee Candle.

25. Like a founding father carved out of balsa wood.

26. Like a weapons merchant in a ps1 era video game.

27. Like a wet wipe somebody took their foundation off with.

28. Like the vindictive phantom of an overcooked thanksgiving dinner.

29. Like a toupee atop day old lasagna.

30. Like a Beverly Hills barbershop floor after Becky spills her half-melted protein smoothie.

31. Like the phrase All Lives Matter wrapped in week old peaches.

32. Like a stained ball of cotton on a melted crayon.

33. Like a colony of ants in a Halloween mask.

34. Like a deflated Columbus Day parade float.

35. Like the leftover cobbler at a Polk County Florida Klan rally.

36. Like a werewolf three days before the full moon.

37. Like a cartoon villain in an early 80s ad against teen smoking.

38. Like the mugshot if we arrested the abstract concept of pollution.

39. Like a blowtorched rape whistle.

40. Like a chicken nugget.

41. Like an Arby’s sandwich warmed in the backseat of a pickup truck.

42. Like a salmon-colored lambskin condom full of Slim Jims.

43. Like a raw meat sculpture of Jefferson Davis.

44. Like one of those puppets from the Land of Confusion music video (google it).

45. Like a smug shaved ferret suffering from heat stroke.

46. Like a finger painting of Hitler done in sweet potato purée.

47. Like the mayor of Innsmouth.

48. Like a set of dentures in a ziplock bag of nacho cheese,

49. Like a stick of apricot chapstick stuck between couch cushions.

50. Like a bacon wrapped scallop.

51. Like the taxidermied body of Dr. Jeremy Bentham (google that, too).

52. Like a fleshlight full of expired carrot juice.

53. Like an old Applebee’s wedge salad.

54. Like a crotch towel in the Cleveland Cavalier’s locker room after game six.

55. Like a Halloween front porch pumpkin in May.

56. Like a botched Kennedy sleeve tattoo.

57. Like a butcher shop window.

58. Like a goblin. Like a full-on, mischievous, what’s-a-goon-to-a, gold hoarding, small handed, spider-man hating, child stealing, general manager of Gringott’s Goblin.

59. Like a sandpapered cigar store mannequin.

60. Like a Doonesbury cartoon of a Republican.

61. Like a propaganda character for an ISIS recruitment video.

62. Like a daguerreotype photo of David Duke.

63. Like a principal in kid’s movie about outlawing recess.

64. Like a nickelodeon parent.

65. Like a Gangs of New York era mayor.

66. Like a stale, half-eaten muffin.

67. Like a desert frog.

68. Like a monster you need Power Rangers to fight.

69. Like Harry S. Truman if he ate way more steak…and maybe opened the Ark of the Covenant.

70. Like one of those pig guys guarding Jabba the Hutt.

71. Like Salacious Crumb, Jabba the Hutt’s pet monkey lizard.

72. Like, actually, Jabba the Hutt.

73. Like a shaved wookie.

74. Like, Howard the Duck.

75. Like, Brundlefly if it wore a suit.

76. Like, A Cranium clay clue for “douchebag.”

77. Like, a Velveeta puddle.

78. Like, a deep dish pizza thrown against the wall of a now-defunct VA hall.

79. Like, one of those “potato chip Jesus’ faces” you can find on eBay for $75.

80. Like, a pug.

81. Like, an Van Gogh painting of an Aryan man.

82. Like, the shittier cousin of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland.

83. Like, an Abercrombie and Fitch mannequin struck by lightning.

84. Like, a Klansman’s outfit stained with orange juice.

85. Like, Pain from the Disney Hercules movie.

86. Like, Broadway from the Gargoyle’s cartoon.

87. Like, a car dealership balloon man being pumped up with vegetable soup.

88. Like a botched Mike Myers character from Austin Powers.

89. Like, a porn producer in a movie about a porn star who kills himself.

90. Like, that one friend who insists on buying turkey legs at the Renn Fair.

91. Like, a king at a Renn Fair.

92. Like, a king at a Medieval Times Restaurant (THERE IS A DIFFERENCE! That difference being $6/hr).

93. Like, a claymation Bond villain.

94. Like, a unbaked cake from that bakery that won’t make cakes for gay weddings.

95. Like, an ultrasound of the Antichrist.

96. Like, a character from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, in real life.

97. Like, the moon in Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask.

98. Like, Ganon in Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, with worse skin.

99. Like, Zantos from Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

100. Like one of the characters in James Bond Goldeneye for the N64 after you put on the Big Head Mode Cheat.

101. Like burnt peanut butter.

102. Like a bleached Nazi uniform.

103. Like an embalmed Pharoah poorly excavated from the pyramid.

104. Like, a wig-wearing baby that came out of a butt.

105. Like, a raccoon after a nuclear bomb made all raccoons big, dumb, mean, and ugly.

106. Like, the grandma in Flowers in the Attic.

107. Like, a popped sun-faded dodgeball.

108. Like, a bearded dragon in a Ted Nugent cover band.

109. Like, Humbert Humbert from a Binghamton Vermont Community Playhouse adaption of Lolita.

110. Like, Peter Pettigrew.

111. Like an aged bent-cornered Magic The Gathering creature Card.

112. Like, a Resident Evil boss.

113. Like, a buggy Mortal Kombat character.

114. Like an old Honey Baked Ham Sandwich.

115. Like, a mashed up peach flavored Fruit By the Foot.

116. Like, a wad of Big League Chew.

117. Like, a Mad Men blooper real.

118. Like, an Andrew Carnegie shart.

119. Like, a baby magician.

120. Like, a photo negative of Bill Cosby.

121. A half full tub of Chinese Food.

122. A YouTube comment section covered in Subway’s Chipotle Southwest Sauce.

123. A bag of cat barf.

124. My uncle Perry if he completely stopped caring about himself.

125. A Norman Rockwell painting of a race war.

126. Augustus Gloop if he survived the Chocolate Factory.

127. A sentient pork rind.

128. An uncased sausage.

129. A skateboarding wound that healed up and ran for president.

130. The villain in a Melvin Van Peebles movie.

131. A black sketch comedian in white face.

132. A Madame Tussaud’s wax sculpture of Alec Baldwin after a fire.

133. All of the Baldwins morphed together into some kind of demented SuperBaldwin.

134. A pirate with alopecia.

135. A lost Mad Max villain.

136. A Borderlands bad guy with it’s weird gas mask taken off.

137. A Hannah-Barbera cartoon of a bleached corpse.

138. A blobfish.

139. The Jarl of Whiterun with radiation sickness.

140. A wet oil painting of Napoleon.

141. A smushed Joe Camel.

142. A plucked pelican.

143. Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast halfway through turning human at the end.

144. A dead golden retriever.

145. Zombie general Patton.

146. A vacuum sealed John Wayne Gacy.

147. A stretched out munchkin.

148. That one senator in the X-Men movie after Magneto zaps him with the mutator ray and he gets all watery.

149. A Scooby Doo villain who used the legend of a blood soaked ghost clown to scare the gays away from his near-abandoned mining town.

150. A Captain Planet villain whose goal is to eat every bald eagle on Earth.

151. A somehow racist Panera Bread Bowl full of rotted crab meat.

152-282 “Donald Trump, you look like you…”

152. Once typed “Money scented cologne” into Amazon.

153. Once googled “where is slavery still legal?”

154. Have hunted humans for sport.

155. Have eaten an endangered species before.

156. Signed a petition to make the Purge legal after the first movie came out.

157. Were once tricked into smoking oregano in college.

158. Called the cops on a party only because you weren’t invited.

159. Had your palm read and filed to sue after you got bad news.

160. Bought an MRI machine from a hospital just as a status symbol.

161. Learned about consent maybe a week ago.

162. Learned about consent from Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront.

163. Learned about consent from Nelly’s Tip Drill music video.

164. Have typed “Is it bad to eat gold?” into Yahoo Answers.

165. Have definitely google-image searched your daughter’s name and the word “hot.”

166. Looked up yelp reviews for the hostel in Hostel to see if it was real.

167. Eat steak with your bare, tiny, tiny hands.

168. Hunt whales.

169. Tried to start an off brand Eastern European theme park called Brisneyland with a cartoon ferret mascot named Bricky Mouse.

170. Have at some point called a certain genre of music “that Hippy Hop” on accident.

171. Compared yourself favorably to Bruce Wayne and meant it.

172. Ordered and cancelled as many UberXs as it took to get a white driver.

173. Went to “www.jokes.com” for party jokes for a social event you were nervous about.

174. Asked a black person if you could use the N word for a day if you paid them $100.

175. Used it anyway.

176. Never eat the brown M&Ms.

177. Dream of the day you can hunt an elephant with a machine gun.

178. Bought a dog and named it Hilary so you could make “Hilary is a bitch” jokes and giggle to yourself.

179. Voted for Wolf of Wall Street for Feel Good Movie of the Year.

180. Were a very pouty towel boy for your high school’s basketball team.

181. Tried to start a bum fight in an alley behind Trump Tower.

182. Used to say “I’m telling!” a lot as a kid.

183. Eat meat because you hate animals.

184. Wish “some” people had a separate but equal America somewhere else.

185. Have made it through 3/4s of a blackface Halloween costume a few times until somebody stopped you.

186. Joined Scientology but had a bad year and ran out of money halfway through.

187. Accidentally ate a wax fruit at least once in your life.

188. Get people into fights with your underpaid bodyguard on purpose.

189. Dropped out of a Karate School in a huff after failing your green belt test a third time.

190. Would’ve lived in Rapture if you had the chance, even after it all went to shit.

191. Would swerve to hit an already run over squirrel.

192. Would knock the ice cream out of a child’s hand because “ice cream is for quitters and lardos.”

193. Your favorite Girl Scout cookie is Tagalongs.

194. Your favorite subject in school was “ask daddy to buy me better grades.”

195. Your favorite color is “Donald Trump” even though that’s not even a fucking color.

196. You don’t wear a seatbelt, because “you’re a good enough driver.”

197. You’d fuck a toaster if it was gold-plated and someone told you you couldn’t.

198. You’ve tried to buy a famous woman’s underwear.

199. You’d send a Jewish business rival a Christmas card out of spite.

200. You still call Asian people “orientals” sometimes.

201. You’d eat a person if a French chef served it to you.

202-282 “I heard that…”

202. Trump is the last scumguzziling runt of a long dead isolationist mole people. A people that were written out of history because it was considered a grave offense to speak of them.

203. Trump is literally what happens when you soak Ayn Rand’s and Dr Seuss’ collected works in Miller lite.

204. Trump’s skin is half spoiled Wild Boar Swiss and half sticky notes from a Klan-moms refrigerator.

205. Trump was cloned from the leftover bullet pus from Andrew Jackson’s corpse.

206. Trump looks like a grocery store knock-off Mr. Clean with a serious opiod addiction.

207. Trump looks that thing my cat shit out after eating rotten salmon.

208. Trump looks like the bloated corpse of the racist Muppet Jim Henson gave a pair of cement shoes.

209. Trump looks like he gained a taste for blood when he ate the stripper and the cake.

210. Trump looks like the mushrooms that grow on Dick Cheney’s Taco Bell induced diarrhea.

211. Trump is what praying mantises call their lubricant.

212. Trump is what happens when a sweet potato and a pickup artist get trapped in the same teleporter.

213. Trump was born in a vat of slaver ectoplasm and sweet and sour sauce.

214. Trump is currently dumping all that tax money he squirreled away into a way to turn his cum into gold.

215. Trump can be morally condemned by the Catholic Church.

216. Trump literally can’t imagine anything more impressive than his own name in giant gold letters.

217. Trump doesn’t think there’s enough data on whether or not the moon is just a giant piece of cheese he could be eating.

218. Trump’s scrotum is actually just full of powdered parakeet bones.

219. Trump is a chainsaw sculpture that came to life when it was dipped in Ann Coulter’s lady blood and stained with Rush Limbaugh’s taint scrapings.

220. A Trumpence is a coin made out charred bones leftover from those awful steaks that is worth approximately .05¢. it has Nixon’s bust on one side and a crucified Rosie O’Donnell on the other.

221. Trump ate his altruistic, clever, better looking twin brother in the womb.

222. Trump was born with a 16 inch hairless tail.

223. Trump once ate $230 in twenties and tens to prove to a challenger that money didn’t matter to him.

224. After his finger-size became public, Trump started wearing prosthetic, artificial finger lengthening rubber tips.

225. Trump believes shoplifting is legal if you were rich enough to buy what you stole.

226. Trump first tried to launder his money in a literal washer dryer in a Harlem laundromat.

227. Trump doesn’t know how to play poker, he has hired a wigged sentient sack of half-rotted potatoes for all press appearances related to his casinos.

228. Trump has solicited Martin Scorsese for a biographical film about himself no less than 432 times last year.

229. Most of those solicitations from Trump to Scorsese arrived by inexplicably gold-plated carrier hawk.

230. Trump introduces himself to veterans and police officers by shaking their hand, pulling them in real close, and whispering, “I know…I’ve seen shit, too.”
231. Trump never tips on seamless or grubhub.

232. Trump bribed studio executives in Hollywood to suppress the film “The Big Short” for fear that it was about his hands.

233. Trump can be summoned to a location by drawing a pentagram in cocaine, and placing, respectively, a block of white chocolate, a gold brick, a Burger King crown, a dead bald eagle, and a vintage penthouse magazine at its points of power.

234. Trump might actually be Beetlejuice.

235. Trump might actually be a long forgotten Celtic trickster spirit designed to turn nuclear radiation into gold.

236. Trump might actually be the Devil, or more realistically was the crap-hat in business school cheating off the Devil’s tests.

237. Trump might actually be a shared global hallucination as a result of global warming and mind-altering greenhouse gases.

238. Trump once bought the wrong shade of nightmare inducing orange foundation to put on his death-mask face, and looked like a minstrel show protagonist for two and a half days.

239. Trump once called a burrito a “sandwich that should be deported.”

240. Trump believes that a chihuahua scampers back and forth over his bed in the night and slowly, day by day, will turn him Mexican through witchcraft.

241. Trump believes he can tell which immigrants are “illegal” by smell.

242. Trump will actually build his wall out of the bones of his failed attempts at offspring.

243. Trump worships Ch’thulu.

244. Trump has made a deal with the actual Devil to legitimize his campaign. Once he is president, the Devil will finally make him publicly reveal his baldness.

245. Trump has tried, fourteen times, to buy shares of the Catholic Church for his stock portfolio.

246. Trump initially declared his intention to run for Emperor of America until he realized he’d have to settle for president.

247. Trump thinks the Lion King is all he will ever need to know about Africa.

248. Trump tries to make every one of his friend’s birthday parties about him, usually right before the “Happy Birthday” song.

249. Trump and Melania now sleep in separate beds after Trump stumbled upon an episode of FX’s The Americans.

250. Melania calls the day Trump bought the second bed “Liberation Day.

251. Trump is racist because he thinks he can’t run as fast as a black person. He thinks race is about literal races.

252. Trump Tower is the world’s largest gingerbread house.

253. Trump wears a toupeé to stop the hollows of his head from whistling.

254. Trump thinks when you become president you get a literal laminated Get Out of Jail Free Card.

255. Last night Trump watched Air Force One and told everybody he couldn’t wait to say “You can’t be on my plane!”

256. Trump has been eating “Presidential Combo Breakfasts” at Denny’s every morning for the entire election cycle.

257. Donald Trump will change the national anthem to yet another song he didn’t buy the rights to.

258. Trump ate a baby, swallowed it whole, if you press your ear to his peach paper thin curse-belly, you can hear the grateful sobs of a baby that won’t be born during his presidency.

259. Trump will almost definitely try to appoint his other stage personas, Tronald Dump, Ronald Pump, Bonald Slump, and Cronald Flump to cabinet positions.

260. Trump once ate a fly out of the air.

261. Trump’s veneers are made of fossils he found during an excavation of a Savannah plantation house.

262. Trump once wiped his ass with the American flag.

263. Trump’s entire presidency was orchestrated by the lobbies Big Canned Food and Big Tin Foil.

264. Trump has almost definitely eaten cat food because he felt he, too, deserved a Fancy Feast.

265. Trump has fingers the same way bats have eyes.

266. It’s weird that Trump got elected. It’s almost like the American people decided to elect my dad if my dad had a few more zeroes on the back of his net worth. And I’ve seen my dad try to jump a fence at night at 43 years old in a suit.

267. Trump has decided that instead of president he wants to be called “Handsome Smart Winner King.”

268. Trump was once a ventriloquist dummy until a satanist priest ejaculated into its open mouth.

269. Trump probably dances like an electrified dead pigeon with its feathers plucked out.

270. Trump is American Psycho with a less ambiguous ending.

271. Trump was once kicked out of a New Orleans night club for emitting a high, grating, squealing noise during a dance to “Yeah” by Usher feat. Ludicrous and Lil’ John.

272. Trump eats the same thing Elvis died eating every day to prove that he’s better than Elvis.

273. Somewhere in Trump’s study is a human skin lampshade.

274. Trump once tried to invest in an explicit video company like Girls Gone Wild but shot at theme parks.

275. Trump’s entire campaign has basically been one looooong brainstorming session for Law and Order: SVU. They’ll have ripped from the headlines material for at least as many seasons as Mariska Hargitay has years in her life now.

276. Donald Trump only started liking Cosby’s standup after the allegations came out.

277. Trump is what happens when a thirteen year old coke addicted half ferret half boy finds a genie’s lamp.

278. Trump is an oily bottle of half Goldschlager and half gasoline being shattered against the side of the White House.

279. “This is how liberty dies, to thunderous applause.” -Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Trump found a way to make the fucking Star Wars prequels poignant.

280. Trump would make an excellent Sith Lord if a Sith Lord’s only responsibility was to wear a shitty hairpiece and catcall women on Twitter.

281. Trump eats with his tiny fingers, slowly absorbing his food after it’s liquified by the chemical mixture of coke sweat and spray tanner.

282. Trump has three penises…all of them can only become hard around gold lame or the wailings of people he believes to be inferior. All of them are a different color than the rest of them.


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